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In JANUARY . . .
We celebrated Angela and Justin's birthdays. Angela turned 9, and Justin turned 5. They both had separate parties on separate dates, but both chose the same place; Jungle Jim's Playland. I was fine with that since it's a decent price for what you get and the mess stays there! Everyone had a blast.
We also celebrated my 28th birthday. I am getting old! Unfortunately, the birthdays were all somewhat overshadowed by the traumatic event of my childhood puppy, PJ, being put to sleep. It was a pretty sad event. That pup was my closest friend for many years. When I grew up and moved out he stayed with my parents for various reasons, and then kind of became more of my Dad's dog. They were the best of buds for several years thereafter. PJ finally got to the point where his quality of life was practically non-existent. He couldn't hear, he couldn't see, he had arthritis and couldn't even manage the stairs. This proved extra problematic due to the fact that the "potty" was outside and down some deck stairs. His mental state then began to go. He would simply forget what he was supposed to do when the need to potty arose. There were lots of potty accidents in the house before my parents finally came to the decision that it was time for PJ to move on to a better place. I met my Dad at the Vet's office the evening of January 28th, with a heavy heart in tow. We had him receive a private cremation and got a beautiful box inscribed with his name for his remains to be kept and treasured in. They also made a plaster print of his paw and gave us a very moving poem about cherished pets who have moved on. At the Vet's office, after he had passed, my dad and I got to share a few quiet moments; just us and our dog. I bawled like a baby, and expressed my concern to my Dad that I hoped PJ wasn't mad at us. In reply my wise Dad said, "No. Of course not. He's with Grandpa and Ugly now.. Working the canals."
--**(Ugly was my grandpa's dog who died shortly after my Grandpa did. PJ and Ugly were good pals, and spent their early days together in Idaho working the canals with my Grandpa.)**--
^^That obviously made me cry even more, but at that moment I was relieved knowing and feeling that we had done the right thing, and that PJ was at peace now, back to his old, playful, happy self, and that we would see him again.
In MARCH . . .
I took Angela to a special Princess edition of Disney On Ice. One-on-one time with the kids is always special.
We celebrated Callum's 2nd birthday! We had family and friends over and partied. He got lots of fun gifts, which included a shiny, red tricycle that he has become quite the pro on.
Kaleb and I celebrated 6 years of marriage! We spoiled each other and escaped to dinner at The Melting Pot (one of our favorites!).
The kids and I ran ourselves ragged over Spring Break doing tons of fun things; The Aquarium, Planet Play, The Kids Museum, etc. Each day executing the perfect plan of fun! It was great to spend such a fun-filled week with them.
Easter was great. Cal really got into the egg coloring and hunting this year! The kids loved their easter basket surprises and there was lots of yummy food at various family gatherings.
In APRIL . . .
Kaleb and I got to go to the Bon Jovi concert. That was his Christmas gift from me, and we were thrilled when the day finally arrived! We missed him the last time he was in Salt Lake due to Cal being born. Dang kids! ;) It was a fabulous show! Such an excellent entertainer!
Kaleb and I also were able to attend a second concert (a little more low-key). There's a band called The Parlotones who are pretty big over in South Africa and Europe and such, but have yet to make it big here in the U.S. So when they go on tour they play more intimate club-type events. We LOVE their music and were able to grab tickets. It was a great show. We were able to meet the entire band, shake hands, get autographs and snag a picture with them. It was pretty rad. And someday, when they do eventually make it big, it will be cool to say we were there before it happened!
Angela had a choir concert and did an awesome job. So proud of her and all of her accomplishments! It was a fun show. She really does have an amazing voice.
We started our yearly garden (which didn't survive this year due to me being sick for quite some time. Boo!-- we'll try again next year!)
After much research, I found my FAVORITE hot wing sauce in the ENTIRE world, and ordered a shipment. This was a big deal to me. =)
In MAY . . .
We announced that Knobel Baby # 4 would be joining the crew at Christmas!! Hooray!! This was the reason our garden didn't survive. I'm the gardener of the house and the morning sickness this time around was horrendous. I felt like absolute crap 24/7. No joke. It finally started to lighten up around 17 weeks and I honestly felt reborn! I'm not sure if it's just due to the fact that I'm getting older and becoming a wimp in my old age, or what, but I didn't remember feeling that awful that continuously and for that long with my other pregnancies. It has got me thinking that perhaps 4 kids is a good number. ;) There won't be any permanent decisions made, we'll see how the rest of this pregnancy goes and what kind of child this new monkey will be. I'm a little afraid the horrid sickness is a sign of impending doom. All my babies and pregnancies have been easy-peasy. This is the first one to make me stop and think, --yikes! But what I do know is if I have any say in things, which I plan to, This #4 will be potty-trained, in a big kid bed, and mostly self-sufficient before talk even begins of possibly adding any more to the mix. That's how Angie, Justin, and Cal were spaced and I've realized I prefer it that way. Things this time haven't been bad, I really do feel truly blessed and beyond excited to be pregnant and can't wait to meet this new little one. But I really don't know how moms can pop out kids one right after the other. It's totally not my thing. Cal will be 3 in March (33 months when new baby is born), and I'm feeling like THAT'S too close! I'm currently sitting at 27 weeks and feel like once I got past the being sick part, it has seriously flown by! My awesome OB says things look fantastic thus far. We had our ultrasound and everything there looked fabulous as well. This time around, we opted to keep the baby's gender a surprise. Kaleb wasn't too thrilled about the idea, but I was able to convince him. ;) So, we're irritating everyone we know and waiting til baby pops out to see if it's pink or blue! Angie wants a sister. Justin (and Kaleb) wants another brother. My parents are dying for another grand-daughter. Most family seems to think it will be another boy since the Knobel men have a tendency to produce more little Knobel men. I don't really have any defining, intuitive feelings of which it may be, but I honestly will be happy with whatever the Lord has sent us. It'd be fun to have one more little girl and dress her up in all the darling clothes I saved from Angela. But, we do make some dang cute little boys! And our 2 boys have been such a bundle of fun and energy from day one. So, I really would be excited either way. I think we finally have both gender names settled on. I'm slowly working on getting the nursery ready. And I've even completed 1 of 2 sewing projects I planned on (a car-seat canopy that turned out adorable!).
The kids had their end of the school year programs and they both did fantastic! Angie's class had an adorable skit prepared and a cute slideshow to wrap it up. Justin's class sang all the songs they learned that year and received certificates for the completion of the Preschool year. There were some yummy treats too! Both kids loved their teachers and were sad to move on from their classes, but they were also excited for summer and the new adventures that were sure to come!
In JUNE . . .
Justin had Soccer. He did such a great job and it was fun to watch him run around with his team buddies and chase the ball. He loved his team and coach and had a blast. I encouraged him to work hard at getting goals by telling him I would pay him a dollar for every goal he scored. Towards the end of the season he was a pro at scoring and I was feeling the pinch in my wallet! ;)
Angela and I went to the Taylor Swift concert! I managed to score some really great seats and gave the tickets to her as a Christmas gift. Finally June came and we were stoked and ready to go! It was an exciting show and we sang our hearts out together. Taylor is quite an excellent performer. I love that she hasn't fallen prey to the celebrity limelight like so many other girl stars and has kept her wits about her and continues to be an awesome role-model for girls everywhere.
Angela started Track again. And, again, she kicked butt at it! She was able to participate in The National Hershey's Competition and moved on one round. The second race she missed qualifying to move on again by only half a second! We were all so proud of her! She had a great season and realized her best events are the 400 meter and the 800 meter.
Bedroom arrangements were adjusted this month. We decide that we wanted to start making slow but steady progress towards new baby prep with Cal and figured sleeping arrangements were a good first step. Him and Justin now share a room with cool new bunk beds (which they both absolutely love!). The first couple weeks or so were rough with Cal learning that he had to stay in bed and that bedtime WASN'T playtime. But he does really well now. There is still the occasional rough night, and he likes you to sit with him til he falls asleep, but he has made awesome progress!
Justin was in our city's annual parade this year as part of his soccer organization. He thought that was pretty awesome. He got to throw candy at people and strut around in his uniform. It was pretty cute.
In JULY . . .
We celebrated the fourth with fireworks and BBQ's and fun in the water. It was a great holiday!
We also had the River Run. This year we were able to get the majority of Kaleb's immediate family up there. They all loved it! It was nice to have both sides of our family there to share the sun, water, and camping with.
We spent the rest of the month playing in the water, doing some more camping, seeing some movies with the kids at the Drive-In, and filling every moment possible with FUN!! I love summer and the special memories that are always made.
In AUGUST . . .
My calling gave me the chance to go with the Young Women and my awesome fellow leaders to Girl's Camp. It was so much fun and so spiritually uplifting and rejuvenating. Our girls are so cute, I just love all of them! Drama was even kept to a minimum! Score! I felt like the other leaders and I really got a chance to bond too. At nighttime, WE were the ones getting hushed by our girls! We came home with plenty of silly, inside jokes. I LOVE my calling!
The kids started up school again; Angela 4th grade and Justin Kindergarten! I am constantly amazed at how fast time flies the older you get. Angela only has a couple more years at the Elementary. And next year Justin will be all day! Insane...
In SEPTEMBER . . .
We potty-trained Cal. The first few days had me wanting to cry and rip my hair out. But he really did awesome, and picked it up super quick. Hallelujah! There are still rare, occasional accidents, but I am so proud of my big Cal-Pal!
I took Justin on a Mommy-Son date to his first "concert". It was a Disney Pirate and Princess show. We were down on the floor only a few rows from the front. It was so cute and he loved it! We got the staple items; Cotton Candy and a flashy-spinny thingamajig. =) I loved watching him dance and sing along to the songs. He is such a sweetheart, and I enjoyed spending some one-on-one time with him.
For the Fall season, we had both Angela and Justin in Soccer. Justin loves it, and Angie decided she wanted to give it a try again. She had done it a few years back. She enjoys it, but is a little too passive sometimes to be able to get in there and steal the ball. But that's okay, I'm just glad to have something to keep my kids active.
Our sweet, precious baby returned home to Heavenly Father this month. A beautiful little girl.... Kaylee Elle Knobel was born sleeping on September 21, 2013 at 11:53pm. Burying my daughter has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And it probably will forever be the hardest trial I will face in this life. We ran every test possible, except for an autopsy, and the doctors came back with nothing. Kaylee was healthy and perfect. I was healthy and perfect. The placenta, the cord, everything.... it was all perfect. No signs of distress or trauma or infection or blood clots or ANYTHING. We will never know, medically, exactly what happened. The Lord just called her home. I have never known heartache like this. You CAN physically feel your heart breaking. I know, because I have truly felt it now. We are almost 6 months down this rocky path, just taking one day at a time. That's all you can really do. That, and cling to your Faith. There are days where I feel like I will never survive this. And then there are days where I feel like it's going to be okay, eventually. It's a continual up and down experience. One I would not even wish upon an enemy. Those couple of days we had with her in our arms are priceless, treasured memories. She had Kaleb's nose and chin, and my hands and feet. She weighed 1lb 11oz. and measured 14.5 inches long. She looked a lot like her older brothers. And in some pictures, I could even see some Angela in her. Even though she was teeny-tiny, she brought with her an enormous amount of love and learning. There is nothing else in the world that can compare to a stillbirth. That night her body entered the world, I know her spirit was there with us. Looking upon her for the first time... Saying "hello" and "goodbye" in the same breath... And the silence.... the deafening silence that accompanied her birth.... It was such a strongly spiritual experience. The hustle and bustle and beeping of monitors and newborn cries... There was none of that. There was only silence.... Saturated with moments of deep reflection and intense soul-searching. Our nurses and CNA's were wonderful. They sat with us, talked with us, cried with us. My OB, who I consider to be the greatest OB to walk this earth, talked at great length with us about many things. He even shared a very intimate, dear-to-his-heart, personal experience with us. That man never ceases to amaze me. We were even able to connect with his office nurse and she hugged us and cried right along with us. Kaylee was not the only Angel to cross our paths those first couple of days after her birth. And even continuing on from there. So many earthly Angels.... Our family, friends, ward members.... everyone banded together to comfort and lift us up and save us from drowning in our pain and sorrow. I could physically feel people praying for us. I have never understood what that meant... to "feel" the prayers of others. It truly is amazing. An invisible crutch when we needed it most. We were truly blessed in that sense. So much love, created by such a tiny little girl.
I am striving to keep her legacy of love going strong. Each month I do a service project in her name. The first month I made a Kaylee-sized blanket, trimmed with beautiful delicate lace, and donated it to the Labor & Delivery unit where Kaylee was born for them to use for someone experiencing premature infant loss.
The second month I put together a large box full of new store-bought baby items that Kaylee would have used in a 24 hour period and donated it to the local Women's Shelter.
The third month was around Christmas, and I organized a toy drive. All the toys were handed over to Toys For Tots.
The fourth month I made a large pile of tiny flannel diapers for an organization called "Teeny Tears". They provide families experiencing infant loss with these diapers. The diapers come in a teeny-tiny size for teeny-tiny angels and a little bit of a bigger size for more full-term angels. They're soft and beautiful and can bring much comfort to grieving parents. Each baby gets 2 identical diapers, one for the baby to wear and one for the parents to keep for a sweet memory. These diapers are nice, especially when even preemie size diapers can drown the tiniest angel.
Just recently, for the fifth month, I put together what's called a memory box. It was full of comfort items for the parents, keepsake items, things to use on the baby or bury with the baby, and also a list of resources that Kaleb and I have found really helpful. There is nothing more heart-breaking than leaving the hospital without your baby after giving birth. I am hoping this memory box will give someone something dear to cling tight to as they take those first steps, out of the hospital, and into the earthly future without their precious child.
I hope I can continue to come up with ideas like these. These service projects have really taught me how to drown my sorrow in lifting those around me. And I love it! Kaylee is my guiding light. She is teaching me a better way to live, and leading the way home for all of us. I have written many posts on my feelings about everything and posted them on Facebook as part of a grief journal project I found online. Since my blog is public, I think I will carry them over onto here in the hopes that others who haven't read them already will find them and read them and perhaps feel uplifted by them. And if you have read them already but want to read them again, please do! I love talking about Kaylee and this journey that I'm on. And if I can help someone in the process, even better!
In OCTOBER . . .
My sweet husband turned into an old man! The big 3-0! When did we get so old???
It was pretty low-key. Neither of us felt like partying since it had only been a couple weeks since Kaylee. But we had a nice, quiet dinner at The Melting Pot, just the two of us.
October is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance month. A couple of cool things happened for that. We participated in what was called "a wave of light". All across the world, wherever you were, on October 15th at 7pm you were to light a candle. This was done in remembrance of all the babies who have passed away. We took 5 white candles out to Kaylee's grave for this. Kaleb and I sat and talked, and the kids ran around the beautiful grounds. Such a serene evening that was. I love where Kaylee's grave is. It's quiet and beautiful. It's a newer cemetery so there's not a lot of traffic or visitors and it's always super peaceful out there.
On the 19th we participated in a Walk of Remembrance. It's an amazing event for families who have lost a baby. There were some speakers and a special musical number that had me bawling like a baby. Then there was a short, scenic walk around the pretty grounds of a cemetery up on the east side. And then to end it all, each family got a single balloon to write their baby's name on. Names were read out over the loud speaker, and as your baby's name was read you released the balloon. So many balloons, like stars in the sky. So sad, and yet, so beautiful. It was an extremely moving event.
We began attending a support group for pregnancy and infant loss. We've been about a half dozen times now and I'm really enjoying it. The people leading the meetings have all been amazing, and I've made some great friendships already. It's nice to have somewhere to go and vent and talk and discuss with a group of people who actually get it. They understand what you're going through. There's no judgement or awkwardness. It's just such an incredibly welcoming and comfortable pace to be. They meet once a month. The one we just recently went to was a *memory night*. Everyone got to bring scrapbooks, photo albums, and other keepsake type items that they wanted to share with the group. We all scooted in close together and passed stuff around and talked and shared our priceless memories of our beautiful babies. It was so wonderful! Just because you have a child that is not physically present doesn't mean you aren't elated to share them and show them off to the world. It was such a great meeting.
Halloween this year was a little rough. Kaleb and I were kind of in the mindset that, if it weren't for our other living children, we would just skip the holidays altogether, starting with Halloween. After having a baby go back to heaven, Holidays are forever changed. There will always and forever be someone missing from the festivities and traditions. And that is basically how we felt through the entire Holiday season. But because we love ALL of our children, we knew that it was super important to put on a happy face and make the holiday time a happy time for our 3 living babies. So we did exactly that! This year we stuck to a family theme for our costumes. We were all pirates and it turned out really great! The kids' costumes were all super cute and Kaleb and I were pretty stylin' as well. Kaleb's work did a massive, unbelievably cool trick-or-treating event. We were honestly floored! This was the first Halloween at his new State job, and they literally went ALL OUT. His building is pretty big (four large floors total) and has several departments. Each department decorated in a theme and had candy and games and prizes. There was one department that was super awesome; It was pirate-themed. They decorated in such detail with TONS of different things in each of the different rooms, and at the very end they had a guy who had dressed up like Jack Sparrow. He looked like him, talked like him, walked like him. If I didn't know any better I would have freaked out and thought Johnny Depp himself was there! He took pictures with everyone that they later emailed out for keeps. Super cool!
The kids also had their annual school costume parade. It was actually Justin's first year getting to participate in the parade. He was so excited and thought it was so cool. Cal loved watching all the dressed-up kids march by, and then afterwards we made appearances in both of the kids' classrooms for a bit for their class parties.
Our ward also did a fun trunk-or-treating event. We dressed up, decorated the back of our van, and Kaleb dubbed himself as the candy-passer-outer. I walked the kids through the parking lot as they collected a ton of candy. I heard from Kaleb that our van got lots of "oohs" and "ahhs" from the kids due to our spiderwebs, scary music, and animatronic spiders.
And last, but not least, there was the official night of collecting-more-candy-than-necessary! ;) We did my parents neighborhood, followed by Kaleb's parents neighborhood, and then called it a night. I figure when the kids start complaining about carrying their treat baskets because they're so heavy, it must be quittin' time.
In NOVEMBER . . .
We just had the normal Thanksgiving festivities. Family, food, Black Friday shopping. Both of my sisters and their families came into town for the holiday. We got new family pictures done. Kaleb and I made sure we had a large, beautiful picture of Kaylee so that she could be represented too. The pictures all turned out really great, and it was so good to have everyone together. That rarely happens. Each holiday that comes, we decorate Kaylee's grave accordingly. It's become a fun family event to do so.
In DECEMBER . . .
The cemetery did a special luminary event for Christmas. We went as a family. 600+ candles lit the roads and walks. The kids decorated cookies and had hot cocoa. We all decorated ornaments for Kaylee to put on a beautiful Christmas tree in the lobby, and hung a special ornament from home for Kaylee on the tree as well-- it was a tiny Tardis (from Doctor Who). Tears were shed. Hands were held. Memories were made. There was such a special feeling out there. We were all so glad we went. We are so thankful for the mortuary/cemetery we chose to go through. They've been simply amazing.
Kaylee's original due date rolled around mere days before Christmas. That day was pretty much a nightmare. That whole weekend. Who am I kidding? The whole month of December was one of the roughest months of my entire life... except for maybe September, when Kaylee was actually born. Just knowing that I should have spent Christmas coddling a newborn and fussing over holiday guests and their germs instead of mourning a pregnancy cut too short, and a baby gone too soon. I believe that I will remember the Christmas of 2013 for the rest of Eternity. So hard. So emotional. I think the firsts of this first year without your baby are the hardest. All your nightmares are realized. But once you realize them, what's important is that you move forward WITH those realizations. Never forgetting. Never moving ON necessarily. Just moving forward with all of your sacred memories in tow. It's the baggage you couldn't imagine living without. I am trying my hardest to keep the faith. Cherish the memories I have of Kaylee. Always keeping her an important part of our forever family. But allowing myself to live on. Some song lyrics come to mind;
"By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way"
Again, for the other 3 munchkins, we made Christmas as special as we could. They loved their gifts. Angie got an electric scooter. Justin got a Nintendo 2DS. Cal got a ridiculously large "indoor" roller coaster. We did lots of family things. Tried to stay busy to keep the emotions at bay during the holidays for the kids' sakes. Once the day had ended and Kaleb and I were alone, we let it all out. I've found that you have to allow yourself to feel every single painful emotion. Let it penetrate through to your very core. Only then, once you acknowledge it and ride it out, can you overcome it. You cannot overcome something you never allow in. So that's exactly what I've been doing. Allowing it in. Riding out the storm. Coming out stronger on the other side. The kids have seen me cry. Several times. They get concerned and are always so sweet. And I am sure to tell them exactly what's going on to eliminate fear and/or confusion. I tell them, "Mommy's just feeling sad about Kaylee. But it'll be okay. Mommy loves you very much."
For New Years we did something a little different this year. Kaleb's parents usually have a big party at their house. They told everyone that they were canning the party this year due to a few reasons. Kaleb and I decided it would be fun to move the party to our house, and invite all of our cool neighbors that we've become good friends with. So, we did! There was a ton of food and it was a great turnout. We adults visited and played games while everyone's kids played downstairs. A fantastic time was had by all. Depending on what Kaleb's parents feel like doing next year, we may just make it a yearly event at our house.
I was glad to see 2013 go. Reading back through this post, I know and realize it wasn't all bad. But when you end a year on a note such as we did, it sort of drowns everything else out. So, I am thankful that I started this post and had it mostly up-to-date before everything fell apart at the end of September. Helps to remember the good times, that there were some of those. Gives me Faith that there will be more good times to come as well. I know Kaylee would want all of us to carry on and smile and laugh and be happy. And so we will. So far this year (2014) there have been good times and bad times, but as time continues on the good times are outnumbering the bad. That tells me that we're moving in the right direction. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other, take it one day at a time, and constantly pray for the strength, peace, and faith to be able to continue to do so.
Here's hoping that 2014 is kinder and gentler than 2013....
